Growing up wasn’t easy for me. It was pretty clear that one of the main reasons why I got anxiety and depression issues was because of my body figure; I was born with a somehow ‘manly’ built according to my family members, aka tasteless, strangely shaped and excessively sweats, and according to my mother, I inherited this ugly body figure from my ancestors.
I used to curse myself every time I see myself in the mirror, asking why God decided to give me terribly large jiggly thighs, a flat nose, and flabby arms. I used to look at all my dolls and watch anime and get really jealous of how slim, pretty and fair the girls were and how the thigh gap and small waist was so appealing. My own family teases on how I have a pig-like nose and an unfit body figure. I thought to myself, ‘wow maybe it’s because i don’t work out and I’m so lazy’ while being constantly teased by close peers, even when unintentionally, on how ‘as slow as a snail’ i was when walking, and how unladylike my figure was, especially my legs. This taunted on me even more when my friends convinced me to wear just my one piece swimsuit that I usually wear with a T-shirt and a pair of pants, plus I never shaved my legs in my life, and I swore I could feel the horrified stares of the other fellow pool users. I wanted to drown myself in the pool and never show myself ever again, and food was - and still is - my only source of comfort.
But then I realised something.
Sure, my legs are fucking useless on land where I can’t even run without wheezing because every time I try to run, my feet stomps loudly to the ground and it causes my body to receive an unbearable amount of pressure, but I am strong in water. I can dive down immediately and touch the floor because my legs provide powerful kicks, and with the races my dad (who was also a swimmer) and I used to have, I always won. My thighs could probably crush skulls AND become soft pillows for anyone who likes to lie their head on my lap (and I really like it, I enjoy petting people to sleep). I also really like snails and cherish my walking time because there’s so much more to enjoy during walking instead of just running my ass off to a place that I’ve probably grown bored of. I don’t mind being jiggly, as long as I’m still soft and cuddly to others, because I really like cuddles and hugs! I also don’t like to show my skin so I don’t really have a problem when my legs aren’t ‘out there’. I just like being confined to my own comforts of my figure - I don’t have the need to show everyone how my body really looks like underneath the clothes. I also really love food and I shouldn’t feel guilty for eating what I want to eat because often more than being around other people, food makes me really happy.
I know I still have self esteem issues even until now, but this is the least I could do to help and see myself as a decent person, and probably help others too who sees this, because there’s more to you and how awesome your body is in their own way when you realise it.
Also, the next time someone asks me why my thighs are huge and strangely shaped, I’m going to answer, “because I was born a half-centaur.” I mean come on hey, centaur legs are pretty cool.